It turns out that there is more going on here deep inside of each of us that explains these kinds of differences. People do have differing ways of experiencing reality --based on completely different operating systems that generate their entire personality. Knowing these dynamics is important as they can transform how you relate to each other. They are clearly laid out, in an ancient system in sacred psychology called the Spiritual Enneagram.

New to the West, the Enneagram identifies every aspect of your personality --your natural gifts, your limitations, as well as your blinders. But its focus is much deeper than that. It actually shows you “why” you are that way. It reveals the underlying core need and inner pressures that determine for your personality type all of your behaviors, feelings, and thought patterns. Which will explain “why” you need the kitchen spotless. And, too, why your partner always seems to leave a mess. For every conflict you encounter that generates criticism or blame, this system makes clear the deep-seated, often unconscious, operating system of inner pressures and emotional needs that propels each of you to be that way.

Having your underlying agendas exposed and on the table, so to speak, makes it much easier for acouple to consciously navigate differences that emerge. There is a deeper intuitive understanding of where each other is coming from when you behave or respond in strikingly different, dysfunctional, or conflicting ways. It allows you to step into her world, make sense of his actions and feelings, attitudes and core beliefs. You can readily see the underlying compelling reason his inner pressures are expressed that way. So you make sense of it, are able to validate his perspective, and empathize with her needs. You are also now self aware of your own pressures in the situation that were triggered (something which typically is missing). So you can readily own them, take responsibility for them, instead of projecting or blaming them on to your partner.

Imagine your partner when he or she is triggered and upset, that he owns it immediately. There is no blame or shaming. Instead he can share in a heartfelt way what it is like in his world given his insecurities that have been triggered. And he readily understands the pressures in your personality that played a part in the tension. The focus shifts to how they can better align to each other’s world instead of making each other wrong. You can see how it becomes easier to account for conflicting differences that emerge between you. And honor each other in a more harmonious process in resolving them.

Without this deeper understanding, we can’t help but wonder, “What’s wrong with you! Can’t you see that . . .” --something that would be so obvious in your world. So we criticize and blame. But with the Enneagram you can see where your partner is coming from, “No wonder you do it that way”--even as strange as it is to you. It becomes clear that in her world, this is a valid reality. All of the people of your partner’s Enneagram type (a sizable number of people on the planet!) tend to respond and feel the same way he does. In short, your reality is not the only reality. After all, there are some people who couldn't care less if the house is so clean.

This simply takes away your ability to be righteous --that your needs and priorities, and way of doing things, are right and hers are wrong. Not only are we different, but we are equally gripped by these different existential core needs. So it helps to understand what these needs are that compel your partner to feel that way, or act that way. And be self-aware of what your needs are, and your underlying insecurities that makes it bother you so much. The truth is, what your partner is doing doesn’t bother everybody on the planet to the same degree. There are even some Enneagram types who might find appealing those very traits or behaviors that you find intolerable.

With the Enneagram, you are able to see these dynamics show up, and take personal responsibility for them when they generate conflict. Instead of criticizing and blaming, you understand what’s happening. Each of you can see your part in it, and support each other to grow. This is very important for resolving conflict. Harmonizing our differences is based, on the one hand, on our ability to relate and attune to each other --walk in each other’s shoes. So you each feel heard and your world is respected. And, on the other, how self-aware you are of your own inner dynamics that generate your fixated needs and expectations. The process is humbling. And healthy.

Couples who are self-aware of their own patterns and can honor the other’s inner experience do well in blending and growing together. There is no place for “blame” to show up. The process of working out differences is smoother. Heartfelt. Expansive. Worthwhile. Even poignant. You feel closer. Couples,however, who can only see the righteousness of their point of view have big difficulties.

The Enneagram not only shows you clearly your patterns and the underlying forces that generate them. It also provides each of you a road map for what you need to do to grow. This is usually where people have blinders. In some cases, thick blinders. What seems natural in your own world, can generate havoc for others to be around, work with you, love you. So it enables each of you to identify and take responsibility for dysfunctional aspects of your personality that show up. And shows you what you need to do to be healthier (so you’re easier to live with!). Fortunately the Enneagram is simple, and easy to learn in an oral tradition. Once you learn the different personality types and their operating systems, you can apply the deep insights to everyone you know.

In a charged conflict, the velocity of tension you are feeling towards your partner --your hurt feelings, resentment, fear --is a projection. Your partner has done something that has stimulated deep-seated, highly-charged, repressed, unresolved memories inside of you. So, of course, you feel uncomfortable. It’s like people jostling up against your recent arm wound in a crowded subway. “Hey! Back off! What jerks!” But where is all that tension coming from? Are they responsible for that intensity you’re feeling? Yes, they did do something. And yet the other people on the subway that were jostled didn’t get upset. What accounts for that level of pain and frustration you are feeling? Is it their fault you have a wounded area and are so fragile?

Well, we all seem to be walking around emotionally fragile and wounded in certain areas. We have accumulated since birth a host of stressful scars from challenges as children growing up. How else do you account for the insecurities that show up deep inside your personality? All those buttons that get pushed? Those areas inside are insecure --they are not peaceful. When someone triggers them, it really hurts, or ticks you off. Or it causes you to pull away inside, shut down, put up walls. For it feels intolerable. “How could you . . .” “You’re such a . . .!”

Of course we blame the person who is triggering us. But the truth is we are simply projecting those earlier unresolved, highly-charged feelings from deep inside onto the person who is triggering them. We may have forgotten the original impact, but those unresolved feelings and unmet needs continue to churn deep inside at our core. No wonder we can’t seem to relax. And why we overreact.

We call this concept the 90/10 Rule. When people do something that generates emotional tension inside --10% of the tension you are experiencing comes from what they did. Maybe they were insensitive, or rude, or offensive. But that 90% of the velocity of the feelings coming up inside of you is from your past. They come from repressed, largely unconscious, unresolved emotions and insecurities you are carrying deep inside. Every charged conflict has a 90 and a 10. The current triggering event is referred to as the "10," and the unresolved portion it triggers deep inside of you, we call your "90's." We all are walking around with a lot of 90’s. It’s human. And they are the real source of our problems.

Knowing this concept 90/10, there is no basis for blaming anyone who happens to “push your buttons.” After all, the pain those buttons are linked to are not your partner’s fault. If you did not have those insecurities or wounds, you wouldn’t have had such a sensitive button in the first place. You would be more resilient.

In any case, those fragilities have been inside of you long before you met your partner. You brought those insecurities and unmet needs into the relationship. So, of course, to be healthy now you need to take 100% responsibility for the tensions and insecurities that people stir up within you when you are upset. It is not your partner’s fault you are wounded and so sensitive. Each person has to own 100% of the tension they are feeling. Or learn the simple tools that enable you to do so. Mastering projection is one of the most important skills a couple, or a person, can learn. The health and intimacy in the relationship depends on it!

“But when I am triggered, what about my partner’s part in all of this?” you say. “It’s takes two to tango!” You’re right. The appropriate response for your partner is, “I’m not responsible for all the unresolved feelings inside of you that are triggered, but I certainly am committed to feel responsive to having triggered them. Making the process safe together will enable me to discover my “90’s, and resolve my part that caused me to trigger you.”

Recognizing the 90/10 dynamic can be so difficult for people. Particularly in the middle of a conflict. It “feels” so strongly that your partner is to blame for what she did. But you have to realize that if you did not have a 90 or insecurity around this issue, then a 10 would just be a 10. And you would not have lost your inner balance, your emotional Center. After all, pure Saints don’t lose their Center or close their hearts, even in the face of some heavy stuff thrown at them.

It’s the 90’s that overshadow you. They are what make the problem so emotionally charged and difficult to talk about and resolve. Without all of that emotional static generated from your 90’s, your issues are much easier to work through in a sensitive, rational, and honoring way.